Integrity is a special gift all parents can give their children. It is helping each child personify all that is good and just, making them a trustworthy and reliable person. Take the time to teach your children integrity – they’ll thank you for it.
Honor. Forthrightness. Goodness. Honesty. Principled. Sincerity. Straightforwardness. Uprightness. Virtue. For every person, there is another description of what integrity means, but in all cases, it is something that is valued. A Rwandan proverb captures the essence of integrity saying “You can out-distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.” To be a person of integrity is to do the right thing, even when no one else is watching. The question: how does one teach this important life lesson to children?
Setphen W. Vannoy, best-selling author and founder of Pathways to Leadership Inc., said “Integrity is how you act when no one is watching, when no one knows what you’re doing. It’s always telling the truth, clearing up misconceptions or partial truths. It’s never knowingly hurting anybody or anything. Parental integrity is not reading our children’s mail or eavesdropping on their private conversations or snooping through their room.
Integrity is keeping our commitments.” It’s a tall order – to teach integrity to our children while remaining a person of integrity at the same time.
The Importance of Integrity
Raising children to be people of integrity is giving them a gift they will have for life. It is offering them inner peace because they know they have done the right thing. Whether it be in action or word, a person of integrity will always be truthful and just, and will therefore not be burdened by the fear of getting caught or found out for things they shouldn’t have done or are trying to keep hidden. Raising your children to value the virtues of integrity will also help them establish a strong spiritual life, as your children will grow up knowing that they and their actions will be held accountable – even when “no one” is looking. Integrity also provides children with credibility in all aspects of their life. Peers will be able to trust what they say or do because they have not been led astray in the past. Colleagues and those they interact with at work will know that their word is good and their intentions pure.
Author and speaker Stratford Sherman relates integrity to the classic children’s tale Pinocchio. In the story, Pinocchio, a wooden marionette, had to develop a conscience (or integrity) in order to become a real boy. Pinocchio had help along the way, in the form of Jiminy Cricket. Jiminy Cricket served as Pinocchio’s inner-voice, singing “Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide” and helped navigate Pinocchio through his transformation into a real child. Parents have the opportunity to be real-life Jiminy Crickets for their children – helping them establish their own conscience based on values and personal beliefs.
Jiminy Cricket’s Example
Integrity is indeed an important character trait. Pinocchio would not become real until he was able to live a life of integrity; so how do you ensure that you are giving this gift to your children? First, you must set the example. A “do as I say, not as I do” attitude will not help anyone, especially a child, learn the value of integrity. Follow through on your commitments and stay true to your word. Remember that for children parents are the primary role-model of how to function in the world. To ensure you are being a good window to the world, look within yourself and make positive changes to ensure that how you are acting is how you want your child to act.
Humans are a narrative species. Many of our cultures and histories are based in stories passed from one generation to the next. Couple your positive examples with stories that help illustrate for you children the positive attributes of integrity. Sharing stories that highlight what happens to people who are not honest to themselves is also valuable, as it shows children the importance of living an honourable life. Use these stories to frame the principles and responsibilities you want your child to live by.
Finally, take the time to sit down and talk things out with your children. Did your son hit another at playgroup? Ask him what he was feeling, and why he thought hitting was an appropriate response. Once you’ve heard his reasoning, offer why it wasn’t a good thing to do, and suggest other alternatives to his initial response. Your teenaged daughter is hurt and upset after a fight with friends at school. Ask why. How was she involved? Why has it impacted her? Work through the details with her to help her see how her actions will reflect integrity. Be certain to be truthful and forthright in these conversations – remember that you are always being a positive example for your children, and not just at times you deem fit.
Eight Steps Towards Integrity
(excerpted from Stratford Sherman’s “Rethinking Integrity” in Leader to Leader, Spring 2003)
Doing what we say we will do: This is a pragmatic definition of integrity and a basic practice. It includes keeping promises and meeting deadlines. Succeeding at this requires careful consideration -- and often, tough negotiation -- prior to making commitments.
Doing the right thing: With the awareness of what’s right comes the obligation of right action. That means embodying our convictions -- and accepting the consequences.
Taking responsibility: Acknowledge our complete, sole responsibility for every one of our actions. No more seeing other people and outside events as the cause of our problems. Blame no one, accept the behavior of others and the circumstances of our lives as givens, and proceed from there. When we see something in the world that we don’t like, we recognize our personal responsibility either to change or accept it.
Supporting our own weight: Harking back to structural integrity, this means functioning as a whole, being able to support all the elements of our own lives. Examples include being physically fit and financially sound.
Holistic thinking: Since integrity is a quality of wholeness, an appreciation of wholeness in the world supports its practice. There’s nothing wrong with compartmentalization or reductionist thinking, but don’t let that obscure the big picture.
Respecting others: Invoke integrity in other people by treating them with respect -- even when they do not live up to our expectations. Acknowledge that our own standards are always subject to question, while affirming that the errors of others do not diminish our own integrity. We get the best from others in an atmosphere that supports doing right.
Checking the mirror: When we err -- as we will, again and again -- the best response is to pause for reflection. We can ask ourselves, Is this what I really want? Is this who I am?
Defining the rules and values: Explicit agreement about these basics enables groups of people, from couples to business organizations to nations, to benefit from the integrity of members. Absent consensus, personal integrity can lead dissenting individuals to subvert the group. Among people sharing the same intentions, by contrast, disagreements can help to refine and improve ideas for the benefit of all.
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